My heart hurts.
Why?
Why have we tried so hard, for nothing.
Why is it almost a deliberate opposition.
Why is it so hard?
Why can't they just make good decisions?
Why can't they celebrate being good, or awesome, or want to be good, or awesome? It's easier to be good, and they choose to be everything I ask them not to be.
I am so disappointed.
I should not be a parent.
I may actually Hate being a parent.
10 year old- "What are you doing tomorrow?"
22 year old- "Adult stuff."
After months of so much dedication. Silent cheering.
My baby just got the Adult card played. Super sad face.
Super sad heart.
I'm reading this book that is purposing the idea that antidepressants don't work. That the reason we are depressed or anxious is because of traumas in our life. That really sucks. I need antidepressants to work. I need the hope that they make me feel better.
Time line of triggers:
abuse
"big thighs"
Josh Strobels death
college
mission
marriage
others porn
gas lighting
"Your Vile"
Rainy
Carson
It states that we need hope. We need connections. We need a person, or people. That it is not a chemical imbalance, it's grief. Loss of connection. I am intrigued by the idea of actually who I have ever been connected to.
I've always had an obsession with rocks. Not the little ones. Like the ones that we landscape our yard with. But, as my body gets older, I am thinking I might be over it. They are heavy. And, the wheelbarrow doesn't work. And, they are heavy, and my yard is big. Hopefully, I can be done with the rocks for a very long time.
I am not a fan of the pandemic. I want to say it's really not that big of a deal. It's part of life. I get sick, I get better. Cycle of the human body. But, I do have a couple of lasting symptoms. Ugh. Not cool. And, no, I won't tell many people, because of the shame. However, my body is not the same.
Here's what I know.
I get body chills a dozen times a day.
My smell is still off, I get really weird wiff's of nasty rotten meat.
I feel sick, or like I'm getting sick all the time.
And, I get the 'withers' where I completely get so deeply exhausted.
I cough whenever I yawn
God said He knows Carson's heart. God said to "Trust Me."
I'm trying.
God please fix this. You know Carson. You know that he is Elect. Save him.
I need LaTrese to rain down a little Karma. And Maxine. They can combine right? Combine their maternal power and make it ok.
