This night.

I am tired.
Like, crawl up in a fetal position, and pull the blanket so high around my shoulders and bury my face so far in my pillow, that hopefully no one will ever find me, tired. I possibly am resembling funeral exhaustion. But, it is different. I actually can't crawl up in the fetal position and give up, or give in.
I want to.
I am only on day three, and I am failing.
I understand how mothers quit. They are tired. They are tired of the fight. They are tired of the fake. They are tired.
I actually don't know how to ask for help.
"hi, help me while I check out. Direct all questions, calls, concerns and criticism to somewhere else, forever."

Ulcers.

I can't say that I have heard anything about ulcers since before 2000. Did they decide they don't actually exist? or is it that they are so common place anymore, that it's just a part of the actual make up of our bodies. You know, like, blood, bones, ulcers.  ?
I think I have them. My stomach is sick. and sad. and hurts. I'm pretty sure it's ulcers. My tears are too close to the surface to actually talk about the events of today, March 23. But, let me just give a quick overview of what could be contributing to my ulcers.
Carson.
-Failing English. No, I should correct that and state, Failed English. I am making him take it              online.
-Weird obsessions
-Lying to me about kissing his girlfriend.
-Getting texts from his friends saying they are worried about him, that he told them 'that nobody would care if he died.'
Skye.
-Kissing a boy in my house during lunch.
Daisy.
-4th grade girls drama, and the mothers that call me.
Creeden.
-His bad days that cause melt downs.
Canyon.
-Naughty. Defiant. Aggressive.
Church.
-Nursury, stressful, not rewarding, crying kids, runaway parents, getting so so little from church except a migraine.
-Visiting Teaching
-People judging my daughters short skirt.
-My older two do not love it. Hate it actually.
My House.
- I have to get it ready for someone else to live in.
My dogs.
-I have to get rid of them, and nobody wants them.
Cars.
Clients.
and, well, now I get to navigate this all on my own.
Ya, I have ulcers.

Focusing on the Now.

Last October Cody and I  flew to Massachusetts. Drove to Maine, then Connecticut, peeked at Rhode Island, and then back to Boston. Adventurous. Amazing. Fantastic. (I might love that word)
It was at that same time we found out that he had gotten hired for his new position at work.  Because of this, he would need some additional training,  6 months training in Virginia actually. He will be at Newport News Shipyard for a time, then Norfolk Naval. Adventure. Amazing. Fantastic!
In October I didn't really ever think the end of March would come. Seven months seemed like an eternity.

It's here.

We have gotten an apartment, secured a lease, picked the furniture, arranged the power. We have packed the boxes, and filled the suitcases. On Friday, I drive him to the airport, he boards a plane, and flys 2,362 miles away. He then picks up his rental, drives to his new apartment, and sleeps, without me, for 63 days.
In 68 days we will join him. That middle 65? That's where I can't let my mind go.
We have:
 Carsons basketball; practices and games. Baseball; practices, games, and tournaments. Speedcamp; two nights a week in Rigby, young mens,  and he is working everyday after school at the greenhouse.
Skyes daily practice, games, tournaments, young womens, and working at the greenhouse when possible.
Daisy dance; class two nights a week, technique one night a week, and competitions, every other weekend from here to ST GEORGE!
Creedens baseball; practice and games.
Every weekend between now and Memorial day, I will drive an average of 600 miles to competitions or tournaments. Actually that started 3 weeks ago with Boise, Poky, Twin Falls.
Should the time fly in that 63 days? Yes. Will I be going a million miles an hour? Yes.
Adventureous. Amazing. Fantastic. ?
I will do my best.
Oh, and my job. Yes, I will still be working, full time.

Then, at the end of those 63 days, the remaining 6 of our tribe will crawl in the car and drive the 2,362 miles to be reunited. Utah. Colorado. Kansas, Kentucky, West Virginia, Virginia.
Days at a time? Miles at a time? Hours? Minutes. If nothing else, by the end of this summer, I think I may claim the status of being an actual grown up.

But it will be the nights. The crawling into a cold bed, with no option of warm legs to put my feet on. No back to secure my anxious belly against. No arm around me to hold me tight.

So here I am. I will focus everyday on only the Now. That 63 days will have too many Nows that  will require my every attention.
Deep breath.
Adventure. Amazing. Fantastic!