People post things about "I will be there for you if you need me."
I don't believe them.
If they were going to be there for me when I need them, where are they? I need them all the time.
I am not in a good spot.
It's mental.
It's not situational.
Things are good in my 4 walls. My babies are ok, and my marriage is fine. Fine.
But, my mental is sad. My mental is lonely. My mental is at war constantly fighting the 'what ifs' and paranoias of irrationality.
If I called you, you could not help me. I actually have no idea what could help me.
I hate January.
Thursday, January 17, 2019
New Ah Hahs!
-The dark makes me fat. Yes, I blame it. I sort of wake up in the morning, think, "I should go work out." But the dark FORBIDS it. Seriously. It is a live voice in my head that says, "NO, it is DARK, DO NOT GET UP!"
-Cooking with half-n-half is super yummy. And coco with it, mmmm. (But yes, still blaming the dark.)
-I sort of love my Mac laptop. It is my friend. Sort of really serious.
-I do better in my life and brain when I work. But, not super loving my job. Or jobs. In fact, don't love them, at all.
-Yes, I am back to Grey's. It makes me feel less lonely. Again, imaginary friends. Imaginary consistent friends who distract me from getting lost in the anxiety of my brain.
-You know that minute when you cry and some words fall out of your mouth that may have more meaning than you even knew, or planned. I heard these come out this week. 'I would love any amount of any attention.'
-Although, I did have 2 separate events that I was cared for. I took a bath, and had Cody wash my surgically altered shoulder. It was nice. Then, I paid him $3 to use oil and rub my shoulders.
-It's been awhile since I've been here. I can't believe how fast days add up.
-Mothers don't need physical therapy. They have kitchen counters.
-Cooking with half-n-half is super yummy. And coco with it, mmmm. (But yes, still blaming the dark.)
-I sort of love my Mac laptop. It is my friend. Sort of really serious.
-I do better in my life and brain when I work. But, not super loving my job. Or jobs. In fact, don't love them, at all.
-Yes, I am back to Grey's. It makes me feel less lonely. Again, imaginary friends. Imaginary consistent friends who distract me from getting lost in the anxiety of my brain.
-You know that minute when you cry and some words fall out of your mouth that may have more meaning than you even knew, or planned. I heard these come out this week. 'I would love any amount of any attention.'
-Although, I did have 2 separate events that I was cared for. I took a bath, and had Cody wash my surgically altered shoulder. It was nice. Then, I paid him $3 to use oil and rub my shoulders.
-It's been awhile since I've been here. I can't believe how fast days add up.
-Mothers don't need physical therapy. They have kitchen counters.
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