Because I can't really find the right title for this post, I named it Hiccup, because it was an involuntary chaos created in my brain that has just kept repeating.
It was Skye's birthday yesterday. We were so busy. No time for self indulgent awareness. I was at the grocery store, and the clerk was talking to Canyon, he was entertaining back. She then turned to me and said, "Is he your grandson?'
Hiccup.
"No. I guess I just started late."
Hiccup.
How in the whole amount of cosmic universe did this one clerk hit me with the line that plagues my insecurities?
I know that I am aging. I am telling Heavenly Father that every day, and the things He is asking me to do are indeed so hard because of this exact Hiccup.
Tell me lady. Is it the wrinkles by my eyes? or on my forehead, because, yes, I have them. In excess.
Is it the sun spots? I know. I even have them on my neck.
And actually, speaking of my neck, I have a little bit of saggy skin there. I am trying a variety of things, for the saggy, the sun spots, and the wrinkles. But yes, they are still there.
Hiccup.
we live in a really weird world.
Tell me lady. Because although it will be a really beautiful thing to be a grandmother- right now, I am a mother, only. And a very insecure one that really doesn't know how to pull off the things that Heavenly Father is asking. Tell me, what is it in my appearance that has you question my age. I really will work on it.
Hiccup.
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
42 on 24
I'm a numbers nerd.
I actually had decided that I was going to be turning 36 this year. Good number. Not too old. But, the morning of my birthday I realized that was kind of a cool number play. So, for a minute, I embraced it.
Musings. I've been musing over a few things. It's because I went running. That always sparks the part of my brain that thinks deeper, to come to life. It was 12'- but with wind chill, felt like 1'. I was totally aware of this before going out, and actually totally deliberately went out anyway. I hate cold. But, it was my birthday. I wanted to do all the things I love (running- not cold). Do you know that I am still wearing the running shoes that I bought with the money I won from my placing 2nd in my marathon. yes. That was 2013. I know. I know that is not healthy. Not good. Guess what, oh well.
Pandora was music selection choice of the day. First song, perfect. I did it all, OneDirection. Funny huh? What's so funny is that I pay so little attention to trendy music that I had no Idea about this song. It is awsome!I think that it hit me so hard because it was my birthday, and it's my baby's birthday (today)- and I feel I have lived thoroughly, fully, deeply, and hope the same for her. We listened to it a million times more throughout the day.
Because the wind was blowing, my eyes naturally drifted downward, and I went into that musing part of my brain. I went through and did a self inventory.
Legs. Warm. Strong. Not even bothered. I am Waynes daughter. My legs are slightly less than the size of a elephants. But the are strong.
Arms. Warm. But, a little high. Amazing how I could write you a whole novel on what the position of my arms mean. Saturday. They were high. That's a explanation for another day.
Lungs. Not strong. The wind was burning them, and I was sucking way too hard.
And then my feet. I love my feet. Nope, definitely not because of their looks. They are steady. They are constant. They are solid. They have carried me to the coolest, most amazing destinations. Yes, they are my favorite part of me.
As my eyes stayed there watching my feet I wondered how many miles these shoes have seen. Even better how many minutes. For over a year, I was inside on machines. Different than a road. But still carrying me. Minutes.
Sometimes I've been only able to focus on minutes. Maybe even only one. Yes, one minute at a time. 2012. 2013. and definitely minutes of 2014. yes, that's talking about my minute on the stair stepper. My minute, on the treadmill, or lifting weights. My minute in survival. My minute, one at a time in control, being strong. But they add up. I made it through. There are 524,160 minutes in a year. If nothing else, that is pretty amazing.
I AM a numbers nerd.
Thank you little red tin therapist. That's where I will end today.
I actually had decided that I was going to be turning 36 this year. Good number. Not too old. But, the morning of my birthday I realized that was kind of a cool number play. So, for a minute, I embraced it.
Musings. I've been musing over a few things. It's because I went running. That always sparks the part of my brain that thinks deeper, to come to life. It was 12'- but with wind chill, felt like 1'. I was totally aware of this before going out, and actually totally deliberately went out anyway. I hate cold. But, it was my birthday. I wanted to do all the things I love (running- not cold). Do you know that I am still wearing the running shoes that I bought with the money I won from my placing 2nd in my marathon. yes. That was 2013. I know. I know that is not healthy. Not good. Guess what, oh well.
Pandora was music selection choice of the day. First song, perfect. I did it all, OneDirection. Funny huh? What's so funny is that I pay so little attention to trendy music that I had no Idea about this song. It is awsome!I think that it hit me so hard because it was my birthday, and it's my baby's birthday (today)- and I feel I have lived thoroughly, fully, deeply, and hope the same for her. We listened to it a million times more throughout the day.
Because the wind was blowing, my eyes naturally drifted downward, and I went into that musing part of my brain. I went through and did a self inventory.
Legs. Warm. Strong. Not even bothered. I am Waynes daughter. My legs are slightly less than the size of a elephants. But the are strong.
Arms. Warm. But, a little high. Amazing how I could write you a whole novel on what the position of my arms mean. Saturday. They were high. That's a explanation for another day.
Lungs. Not strong. The wind was burning them, and I was sucking way too hard.
And then my feet. I love my feet. Nope, definitely not because of their looks. They are steady. They are constant. They are solid. They have carried me to the coolest, most amazing destinations. Yes, they are my favorite part of me.
As my eyes stayed there watching my feet I wondered how many miles these shoes have seen. Even better how many minutes. For over a year, I was inside on machines. Different than a road. But still carrying me. Minutes.
Sometimes I've been only able to focus on minutes. Maybe even only one. Yes, one minute at a time. 2012. 2013. and definitely minutes of 2014. yes, that's talking about my minute on the stair stepper. My minute, on the treadmill, or lifting weights. My minute in survival. My minute, one at a time in control, being strong. But they add up. I made it through. There are 524,160 minutes in a year. If nothing else, that is pretty amazing.
I AM a numbers nerd.
Thank you little red tin therapist. That's where I will end today.
Thursday, February 8, 2018
cording.
Like an umbilical cord. It connects us.
Or, it attaches us to someone. In my mind, I want to say it's a two way, but that is where I am mistaken.
There are healthy cords and unhealthy, but most can be both.
Babies and Mothers, in utero and out. This was my first reason I believe in it. The connection I have with my babies. As they are born and grow, it changes, sometimes thicker and stronger, sometimes, not.
My Spouse. We feed each other, and drain each other.
As someone in mental health, people attach their cords to me. I do not attach back to them, but then they suck me dry.
We can 'cord' with someone we don't even know. i.e. the lady who offered me a sample of night cream for my face that I walked away from, but still can't get out of my brain.
But, we also have the power to cut these cords, or burn them, or pull them out from the core- maybe that's a little hostile.
The frustration with this idea is that cords are not a guaranteed two way highway. A lot can be given, Or a lot can be received, but it doesn't have to be both ways.
I guess that's the basis.
Or, it attaches us to someone. In my mind, I want to say it's a two way, but that is where I am mistaken.
There are healthy cords and unhealthy, but most can be both.
Babies and Mothers, in utero and out. This was my first reason I believe in it. The connection I have with my babies. As they are born and grow, it changes, sometimes thicker and stronger, sometimes, not.
My Spouse. We feed each other, and drain each other.
As someone in mental health, people attach their cords to me. I do not attach back to them, but then they suck me dry.
We can 'cord' with someone we don't even know. i.e. the lady who offered me a sample of night cream for my face that I walked away from, but still can't get out of my brain.
But, we also have the power to cut these cords, or burn them, or pull them out from the core- maybe that's a little hostile.
The frustration with this idea is that cords are not a guaranteed two way highway. A lot can be given, Or a lot can be received, but it doesn't have to be both ways.
I guess that's the basis.
Board of Directors
A long time ago, in a beautiful far off place called Sun Valley, I attended a mental health conference.
There was a presenter, Ruby Payne, who still, 14 years later, echoes thoughts in my head. She introduced to me the idea of a Board of Directors, for ourselves. Ruby reviewed what the definition of a Board of Directors consists of. And then, asked us if we have that in our brain. Do we have a Board of Directors in our Brains?
I do.
Why? I don't know. and I write that with a big sigh and a level of 'seriously, why do i have to have other people occupy space in my brain' kind of weight that pushes my shoulders down.
Maybe there are healthy people there.
My parents. Separately. They aren't a voice together, because I use their voices for different aspects. Yes, they are healthy. And, they are consistent. They are always available.
My Mission President, and his wife. The Rowes. They are distant, but also healthy.
My boss. He's consistent for the most part. As much as he can be.
And maybe a splash, like, a splash from the lemonade glass, of friends. That means like 3. Distant, busy, not super invested. However, if i had the guts enough to text and say, I'm not in a good spot, they would text back.
But then there are those that for stupidly stupid reasons they still sit there, in their stupid black robes, (I guess I picture them as a grand jury) and refuse to leave, but refuse to acknowledge that they were given the power to be there. Again, I am reminded that I need to write out my thoughts on Cording.
There was a presenter, Ruby Payne, who still, 14 years later, echoes thoughts in my head. She introduced to me the idea of a Board of Directors, for ourselves. Ruby reviewed what the definition of a Board of Directors consists of. And then, asked us if we have that in our brain. Do we have a Board of Directors in our Brains?
I do.
Why? I don't know. and I write that with a big sigh and a level of 'seriously, why do i have to have other people occupy space in my brain' kind of weight that pushes my shoulders down.
Maybe there are healthy people there.
My parents. Separately. They aren't a voice together, because I use their voices for different aspects. Yes, they are healthy. And, they are consistent. They are always available.
My Mission President, and his wife. The Rowes. They are distant, but also healthy.
My boss. He's consistent for the most part. As much as he can be.
And maybe a splash, like, a splash from the lemonade glass, of friends. That means like 3. Distant, busy, not super invested. However, if i had the guts enough to text and say, I'm not in a good spot, they would text back.
But then there are those that for stupidly stupid reasons they still sit there, in their stupid black robes, (I guess I picture them as a grand jury) and refuse to leave, but refuse to acknowledge that they were given the power to be there. Again, I am reminded that I need to write out my thoughts on Cording.
Friday, January 26, 2018
3 questions
I was listening to a talk by President Oaks, he posed 3 questions that I think are perfect.
1- Where are you coming from?
2- What are your basic values?
3- What do you want to accomplish?
One day I will come back to this post and answer these.
1- Where are you coming from?
2- What are your basic values?
3- What do you want to accomplish?
One day I will come back to this post and answer these.
Female
Keith Urban has a song called Female. Love love love.
When you hear somebody say somebody hits like a girl
How does that hit you?
Is that such a bad thing?
When you hear a song that they play saying you run the world
Do you believe it?
Will you live to see it?
How does that hit you?
Is that such a bad thing?
When you hear a song that they play saying you run the world
Do you believe it?
Will you live to see it?
Sister, shoulder
Daughter, lover
Healer, broken halo
Mother nature
Fire, suit of armor
Soul survivor, Holy Water
Secret keeper, fortune teller
Virgin Mary, scarlet letter
Technicolor river wild
Baby girl, women shine
Female
Daughter, lover
Healer, broken halo
Mother nature
Fire, suit of armor
Soul survivor, Holy Water
Secret keeper, fortune teller
Virgin Mary, scarlet letter
Technicolor river wild
Baby girl, women shine
Female
When somebody laughs and implies that she asked for it
Just 'cause she was wearing a skirt
Oh is that how it works?
When somebody talks about how it was Adam first
Does that make you second best?
Or did he save the best for last?
Just 'cause she was wearing a skirt
Oh is that how it works?
When somebody talks about how it was Adam first
Does that make you second best?
Or did he save the best for last?
Sister, shoulder
Daughter, lover
Healer, broken halo
Mother nature
Fire, suit of armor
Soul survivor,…
Daughter, lover
Healer, broken halo
Mother nature
Fire, suit of armor
Soul survivor,…
Grandmas
Over Christmas I had a really weird thing happen. I went into a deep sorrow for the loss of my Grandmothers. It was so intense and so consuming, one night, I full on texted a friend who is a medium. I had to know 'what' and 'why.'
This is what she said:
"They said part of it is because it is the holidays and you are trying hard to 'feel' the Christmas magic, but it is kind of empty this year. And, there is a part of you that just really longs to feel how you did when you were younger."
She said, "From my perspective the moon is full and Mercury just went to retrograde. that can draw old grief to the surface."
Then, "What are you doing for you? Are you getting any free time at all? You feel anxious and rushed. Make sure that you do things to honor them this holiday. Make their cookies, their rolls, or other treats and make sure that theres's an ornament on your tree that represents each one of them. I will ask them both to see if they can come and see you in a dream and give you a love. It feels like that's what you really need is a good grandma hug."
Kinda of made me weep. Not cry. Weep.
I could close this right here, but I want to write out two memories of my Grandmas I want recorded.
Grandma D sent a package on my mission for Christmas that included two of everything, turtlenecks, lipstick, hair stuff. It was the only present my companion got. <3
Grandma Grover would make us something every christmas. Every grandkid. I got blankets, quilts, wall art, towels, and always jammies. Grandma Grover is probably a huge part of what made Christmas magical for me and my life.
I'm going to go out on a limb, and say because of the moon position again this week, this again makes me frustratingly emotional. :)
This is what she said:
"They said part of it is because it is the holidays and you are trying hard to 'feel' the Christmas magic, but it is kind of empty this year. And, there is a part of you that just really longs to feel how you did when you were younger."
She said, "From my perspective the moon is full and Mercury just went to retrograde. that can draw old grief to the surface."
Then, "What are you doing for you? Are you getting any free time at all? You feel anxious and rushed. Make sure that you do things to honor them this holiday. Make their cookies, their rolls, or other treats and make sure that theres's an ornament on your tree that represents each one of them. I will ask them both to see if they can come and see you in a dream and give you a love. It feels like that's what you really need is a good grandma hug."
Kinda of made me weep. Not cry. Weep.
I could close this right here, but I want to write out two memories of my Grandmas I want recorded.
Grandma D sent a package on my mission for Christmas that included two of everything, turtlenecks, lipstick, hair stuff. It was the only present my companion got. <3
Grandma Grover would make us something every christmas. Every grandkid. I got blankets, quilts, wall art, towels, and always jammies. Grandma Grover is probably a huge part of what made Christmas magical for me and my life.
I'm going to go out on a limb, and say because of the moon position again this week, this again makes me frustratingly emotional. :)
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