Rant

 ok, so I need to purge. or,  i will explode. and, we know that doesn't go over well.

ugh. I am so grouchy, and it is my very spoiled children, who appreciate nothing.  and, never say thank you.  and, expect and expect and if one of them ever paid me back for something that they say they will pay be back for, I may fall over on the floor dead from surprise. 

examples: 

rides. all hours of the day and night. no please, no thank you. only, are you ready yet?! 

money.  sign me up for this; $100. Register me for this; $100. register me for usu; $200. pay my downpayment for housing; $500. car insurance. health insurance. phones. 

"Oh, and can you stop and buy me a swimmy for this class (because although I have 5 bikinis that are new this year), I need a one piece for this class today. "

"Can I borrow all your cash ($60) because the dance doesn't take cards." But don't worry, we went to lagoon for our date.

$1000 flights.

Pay for Lagoon

$2000 trip for graduation, but "can you buy me new headphones for graduation, they are only $300, when originally they are $600" which this is pair 3? or 4? because I'm still on my $14 ones from walmart, which is the only pair I've ever owned because even the ones that have come with my phones were stolen from these people.

Oh, but let me spend money on a Coors tshirt.

and 

"can you buy rice cauliflower for me" and these "16 vitamins" and "I'll just eat this chicken breast for a snack." and "oh, I am spoze to share this whole carton of strawberries?' And, yes, Mothers day is tomorrow, "you can have the left overs from this bouquet you made the corsage from." Oh, and I bought this really great $40 sweater for me, and this $10 gift for mothers day from me and the little boys, but the little boys gave me the money."

Here's the thing. If there was one effing ounce of appreciation. and it wasn't expected with a courtesy eye rolls. 

I had 1, 1 swimsuit all through high school. 

I paid my own way on EVERYTHING, and always said thank you. 

3 weeks ago I broke down and sobbed and said the f word and really actually wanted to not live anymore. I figured that they would do better with my life insurance policy pay out than with me. It doesn't do any good tho, to cry or say the f word. Because then they are scared of me and think I am weak, and don't talk to me and just leave. They are actually very very thoughtless. Skye gave them a challenge to do more. lists, chores, dinner nights. Ha. Ha, fucking ha. Carson did one night. Creeden one night. That's it. That's all. I actually may not really like any of these people I gave birth to. I give and give and try and try and I get shit on All Day Long. I am so over it. 

My Brother

 On the Sunday before Labor Day we sat around what used to be called Emily Campground #2.  Earlier in the weekend, Amy had decided we should rename it to Amy Campground, because why should there be Emily 1,2, and 3.  Our family went up and joined Mom and Dad, Amy and Mat, Hayden and J'lynn with babies after the football game on Friday.  Luke and Emily joined us for Sunday dinner in the hills and we reminisced about Labor Day Past; Truck wrecks, animals hunted, fights, and oh yes, Cancer camp. 13 years ago. Jace went to the dr the day after being in Emily Campground 13 yrs ago, leading to his leukemia diagnosis. 

This year. The day after Labor Day, Luke got the phone call. He's been sick a year. Last August (ish) he got covid, got immunization. Kept the cough. A couple of months later. Pnuemonia. A couple of months later, covid, pnuemonia, back and forth. June. a dr said: 'this isn't changing, something else is going on.' And now, it's official. Lung Cancer. 

Amy has put most of the details on fb. 

But my details. This is the brother that keeps things light. This is my little brother. This is the one I've always got along with best. This is the one I'm actually probably most like. This brother has littles. They NEED HIM. This brother is the middle of mine and so many others universe. This brother has to be ok. The world needs him. I need him. 

Lights

I think I haven't written a positive post for awhile. It's time. 

I love Christmas Lights. I love them in my house, and I love looking out of my window and seeing them on my porch.

I love our Christmas Cozy. Christmas blankets, pillows, fire. And now, even sheets. <3

I love my slippers.

I love my heater blanket.

I love our beautiful tree.

I love a hot shower.

I love planning our cruise.

I love that our excursions are super cool!

I love Christmas plaid. 

I love traditional treats.

ohhh, and I have a new favorite. Hot water with a little creamer! 

I love my Christmas shirts.

I love our collections; Santa, Snowmen, Village

You conceived me....

 Actual, literal conversation had AT MY DINNER TABLE  5 minutes ago.

Daisy (14)- "Mom, you conceived me in April? Was there something special going on?"

Carson (18)- "Oh wait, so that means you conceived me at Christmas, I know what was happening when Santa rolled on down the chimney."

Creeden(12)- "How do you figure this out? how do you know?"

Daisy- "Carson, you were an accident, mom didn't even know she was pregnant with you until she was like 6 months along."

Canyon (8)- "Was I a disappointment (meant to say accident)?"

Me-to Canyon, "Well, not yet."

and 

Me to the rest of them- "Are we really having this conversation?"

Forehead Slap.  

Was it the dust in the air? or an accumulation of the past 3 weeks.

 I feel like a panic button is about to be pressed in my brain. 

We were racing the sunset to get to the river bottoms for the boys to get their Homecoming pics before it got too late. The windshield was dusty, and the roads windy. It's cold. Was that it?

or....Was it that I was in charge of potatoes and corn for their dinner. I had to make them before Daytons temple session, so who knows if they are good? 

or....The corsage and boutonniere that I made, but had no idea what I was doing?

or....Creedens football game in Shelly that they lost 0-48, was that it? 

or...Carson's last Homecoming football game,

or...the never-ending paperwork,

or...getting everybody settled for the Homecoming Parade; Cute, red and white, candy, on a float, happy. 

or...Getting Roger in to a rehab facility? and Turk going shoe shopping during his intake,

or...Creeden breaking his friends nose while playing backyard baseball?

or...being questioned as to 'why would you want to put him in rehab, we can take him home. Which days do you have off?' 

or...Rogers stroke; not talking, not understanding.

or...Rogers heart attack, 2 hospitals, 4:17 am bedtime

or...3:00 a.m. wake up to go to utah to my old companions son's funeral. 

or...President Rowe being placed on hospice.

or...Luke. Luke. Luke. Luke texting at 9:38 pm. on September 6 saying, "the dr said it is called Non Smokers Lung Cancer."

So much. 

Big Girl

 I did a Big Girl thing today. I texted someone who owned Daisy money, and asked to come get it!  Good Job Me!

Cupboards to wipe

I found that 'me time' is a little harder to do than it sounds. For a variety of reasons: There are always cupboards to wipe, socks to pick up, or a text from a kid to answer. So yesterday, Saturday, I gave myself some grace; Saturdays are different than weekdays. Saturdays and Sundays I need to be more family aware. Weekdays, when I'm alone, is when I need to concentrate on my move  Me forward plans.

But, I wiped the cupboards, and the dishes are done. So, I think first I should figure out some things about me in my current adultish/oldish life. By doing this I suppose that I can determine what goals I want to pursue, and what is important to me.     Ok, now I'm stumped. Overwhelmed. Maybe I'll brainstorm a list of thoughts.

I want to travel:  Cruise with my family during the winter. Go back east with Cody in the fall. Go to the beach. Camp for days. All without guilt. I want to go to England, or Scotland. Without guilt. This guilt would include, no guilt from work, from finances, from kids, from Cody. 

which leads me to: I need some flexible money, income for travel specifically. How can I do this? What can I specifically do to get some extra money. Everything I do or help with turns around to the kids. Pretty much rightfully so. Pigs. Golf balls. I need to bring in money without sacrifice of time with the kids. Help me think. 

I want to know My religion.  To know more about my Heavenly Mother. To do by love, not guilt. 

Who am i

 Ive been able to recognize that although summer is hard in the idea that the kids are home; making messes, needing entertainment, feeling my presence or lack of, it is good for my brain. The kids have gone back to school this week and I am thinking I need to make some goals. Make some plans, for myself. Lately, I look at quotes, or memes and think: Is this me? I almost am not sure. I have decided to start actually figuring out, who I am now at 46. It's been awhile since I've had the time, energy, or maybe even money to think through who I am and/or who I want to be. When I say energy, I mean brain and physical. I've decided to do this here. I have terrible handwriting, and hate having pen in hand for long periods of time, so typing is better for me. This will be a process. Thinking, planning, problem solving. It will require some effort, and some patience on my part. For example: this morning is friday. I do my paperwork on friday mornings. But, I decided to take my personal time until 9, and not feel guilty. I read my scriptures, wrote my thankfuls, drank my hot caffeine flavored water, and am writing. I (think?) I need to take some personal time each day. I need to work on a goal, or project each day. I need to figure out what I love, and do things to embrace it. My idea is that if I push myself to do these, I will be able to push away the extreme depression and loneliness that encompassed me last school year. I will try to come here to plan, and report. 

Today: Paper work until 10:30, get ready, town, lunch (with Amy, Emily, Krew, Carson),  meet Canyon and Cruz off the bus at 1:30, take them to gravity factory, nap, paperwork, weed,  pick them up, 

During the day goals,

clean cupboards, drawers

fix trim stain, 

weed

beans

pick raspberries

make some blankets

start photo books

I'll be back.....

Allowances

 Maybe things to help me

-Allow myself to feel totally fine with going to town without makeup. Or, hair done. 

or to Valley wide in my pig clothes.

-Allow myself to get sleep that would equal 8-9 hours. That means that if I get 6 at night, then I can catch up to 8 somehow in the day.

the person

 So, I'm actually not ok. I want to sleep all of the time. I fight myself to go outside. I actually want to stay in my sweats. I don't enjoy working out. I hate 4:45 am. I am grouchy. there are posts that say, "I'll always listen." nobody really wants to listen to someone having a hard time. I don't have bad things going on. I'm really just depressed. I really just have chemical things going on that make me sad. and, want to cry and to keep going back to my bed.   Im lonely. I have no friends. I have no purpose. Im sad. I watch t.v. series to trick my brain into thinking I have a support system. ha ha. So really. I'm not ok. But I don't have anyone to tell. I'm not ok. 

raw

 I have been assigned ministering sisters I spoze most of my adult life. They have come in the past. Mostly when I was having babies. I had one very seriously tell me that going back to school was a bad idea. But, for the most part it's been ok. However, the past couple of years, they haven't come at all. They've  been assigned, but not a peep. It has made me feel like even when I get assigned as someones duty, I'm not worthy of their  time or attention. It hurts my heart. I told the RSP to take me off the list. I don't want assigned heart breakers.

the drive.

cloudy

 pain

mental

not physical

control

loss further deeper

disconnect

push into hate

numb

Things I'm Learning. Or, may it's just my January Rant.

-My religiosity doesn't equal my worth. 

-That I'd rather be honest and be judged by hypocrites, than be a hypocrite. 

-I had a dream that a me split off of me (she was a glowy beautiful me) and saw me, and wanted to be my friend.

-I don't have to be invisible.

-I don't have to be nice for decades with no return. There may be a little too much enmeshment and it ok to set boundaries. That being said, NOBODY beside Amy asked how Carson or us were in the past year and a half. F them. 

-Golden handcuffs.

-I am not a huge night person, even less of a morning person. I am mostly a sleep person.

-A cold Virginia helped it not be such a dream.

-I feel very strongly against Zac and Stacie. They stole Cody's idea and pushed him out. 

-I am not a fan of people who do not follow through with texting me back, or getting me an answer when they say they will... i.e. probation officers, travel agents.

-I have covid again, or omicron, or whatever the severe cold is. 

-Nobody besides Amy and Cody have told me I look good after working for a year to loose weight and gain muscle.

-I am not a fan of liars. I.e. "She's miserable. She can just fake it really well like me." "I think you misunderstood me."

-I physically felt pain when we found out Carson they were saying more months of probation for Carson. 

-I would rather not be assigned ministering sisters. I have not had anyone from church pay be any attention except for "did you do your calling?" FOR YEARS!!  It hurts my heart that even people who are 'assigned to be my friend,' have never even talked to me. 

-And with the whole ministering.... being a one sided friend is exhausting. 

-I actually have no friends besides Amy. 

Man, I must be sick. 

the big things of 21

 In no particular order:

Fed Ex-

-Fed Ex in, Fed Ex out, Fed Ex trip to Nashville, Zac and Stacie just taking it over. 

My work-

Nothing really new... One client die from covid 

Cody's work- 

-Paid  $6000 back from when he was sick with Covid

-Was ready to quit, go to Fed Ex. But, settled in for the long haul.

Our House-

-Redid our bedroom, carpet and bedspread

-Pillows obsession

Pigs-

-Horrible experience

Trips-

-Logan ski trip

-Virginia for Codys birthday surprise

-Lewiston for football

-Glacier National Park

-BYU game for me

-Sisters Reunion

Skye-

-Blake, West Yellowstone again, Para at Burton

Carson-

-JV football, Leishman Electric, Harvest, Rays carwash, Cait

Daisy-

-Pig, Carol, Cheer, 

Creeden-

-Pig, golf balls, football, baseball (pitching), 

Canyon-

-soccer, flag football, golf balls, 

Cody-

- Put in new lights in the kitchen and family room, Felt sick most of the year, Tried fed ex

Me-

-Worked out 3-6 days a week. Lost 10 lbs. Read a lot of books. Did therapy. 

Mostly I just want to scream.

 My heart hurts. 

Why? 

Why have we tried so hard, for nothing.

Why is it almost a deliberate opposition.

Why is it so hard?

Why can't they just make good decisions? 

Why can't they celebrate being good, or awesome, or want to be good, or awesome? It's easier to be good, and they choose to be everything I ask them not to be. 

I am so disappointed. 

I should not be a parent. 

I may actually Hate being a parent. 

Adults vs Kids

10 year old- "What are you doing tomorrow?"

22 year old- "Adult stuff."

After months of so much dedication. Silent cheering. 

My baby just got the Adult card played.  Super sad face. 

Super sad heart.

Lost Connections

 I'm reading this book that is purposing the idea that antidepressants don't work. That the reason we are depressed or anxious is because of traumas in our life. That really sucks. I need antidepressants to work. I need the hope that they make me feel better. 

Time line of triggers:

abuse

"big thighs"

Josh Strobels death

college

mission

marriage

others porn

gas lighting

"Your Vile"

Rainy

Carson

It states that we need hope. We need connections. We need a person, or people. That it is not a chemical imbalance, it's grief. Loss of connection. I am intrigued by the idea of actually who I have ever been connected to. 

Rocks

 I've always had an obsession with rocks. Not the little ones. Like the ones that we landscape our yard with. But, as my body gets older, I am thinking I might be over it. They are heavy. And, the wheelbarrow doesn't work. And, they are heavy, and my yard is big. Hopefully, I can be done with the rocks for a very long time. 

Ashamed to be a Long Hauler

 I am not a fan of the pandemic. I want to say it's really not that big of a deal. It's part of life. I get sick, I get better. Cycle of the human body. But, I do have a couple of lasting symptoms. Ugh. Not cool. And, no, I won't tell many people, because of the shame. However, my body is not the same. 

Here's what I know. 

I get body chills a dozen times a day. 

My smell is still off, I get really weird wiff's of nasty rotten meat.

I feel sick, or like I'm getting sick all the time. 

And, I get the 'withers' where I completely get so deeply exhausted.

I cough whenever I yawn

God

 God said He knows Carson's heart. God said to "Trust Me." 

I'm trying. 

God please fix this. You know Carson. You know that he is Elect. Save him.