You conceived me....

 Actual, literal conversation had AT MY DINNER TABLE  5 minutes ago.

Daisy (14)- "Mom, you conceived me in April? Was there something special going on?"

Carson (18)- "Oh wait, so that means you conceived me at Christmas, I know what was happening when Santa rolled on down the chimney."

Creeden(12)- "How do you figure this out? how do you know?"

Daisy- "Carson, you were an accident, mom didn't even know she was pregnant with you until she was like 6 months along."

Canyon (8)- "Was I a disappointment (meant to say accident)?"

Me-to Canyon, "Well, not yet."

and 

Me to the rest of them- "Are we really having this conversation?"

Forehead Slap.  

Was it the dust in the air? or an accumulation of the past 3 weeks.

 I feel like a panic button is about to be pressed in my brain. 

We were racing the sunset to get to the river bottoms for the boys to get their Homecoming pics before it got too late. The windshield was dusty, and the roads windy. It's cold. Was that it?

or....Was it that I was in charge of potatoes and corn for their dinner. I had to make them before Daytons temple session, so who knows if they are good? 

or....The corsage and boutonniere that I made, but had no idea what I was doing?

or....Creedens football game in Shelly that they lost 0-48, was that it? 

or...Carson's last Homecoming football game,

or...the never-ending paperwork,

or...getting everybody settled for the Homecoming Parade; Cute, red and white, candy, on a float, happy. 

or...Getting Roger in to a rehab facility? and Turk going shoe shopping during his intake,

or...Creeden breaking his friends nose while playing backyard baseball?

or...being questioned as to 'why would you want to put him in rehab, we can take him home. Which days do you have off?' 

or...Rogers stroke; not talking, not understanding.

or...Rogers heart attack, 2 hospitals, 4:17 am bedtime

or...3:00 a.m. wake up to go to utah to my old companions son's funeral. 

or...President Rowe being placed on hospice.

or...Luke. Luke. Luke. Luke texting at 9:38 pm. on September 6 saying, "the dr said it is called Non Smokers Lung Cancer."

So much. 

Big Girl

 I did a Big Girl thing today. I texted someone who owned Daisy money, and asked to come get it!  Good Job Me!

Cupboards to wipe

I found that 'me time' is a little harder to do than it sounds. For a variety of reasons: There are always cupboards to wipe, socks to pick up, or a text from a kid to answer. So yesterday, Saturday, I gave myself some grace; Saturdays are different than weekdays. Saturdays and Sundays I need to be more family aware. Weekdays, when I'm alone, is when I need to concentrate on my move  Me forward plans.

But, I wiped the cupboards, and the dishes are done. So, I think first I should figure out some things about me in my current adultish/oldish life. By doing this I suppose that I can determine what goals I want to pursue, and what is important to me.     Ok, now I'm stumped. Overwhelmed. Maybe I'll brainstorm a list of thoughts.

I want to travel:  Cruise with my family during the winter. Go back east with Cody in the fall. Go to the beach. Camp for days. All without guilt. I want to go to England, or Scotland. Without guilt. This guilt would include, no guilt from work, from finances, from kids, from Cody. 

which leads me to: I need some flexible money, income for travel specifically. How can I do this? What can I specifically do to get some extra money. Everything I do or help with turns around to the kids. Pretty much rightfully so. Pigs. Golf balls. I need to bring in money without sacrifice of time with the kids. Help me think. 

I want to know My religion.  To know more about my Heavenly Mother. To do by love, not guilt. 

Who am i

 Ive been able to recognize that although summer is hard in the idea that the kids are home; making messes, needing entertainment, feeling my presence or lack of, it is good for my brain. The kids have gone back to school this week and I am thinking I need to make some goals. Make some plans, for myself. Lately, I look at quotes, or memes and think: Is this me? I almost am not sure. I have decided to start actually figuring out, who I am now at 46. It's been awhile since I've had the time, energy, or maybe even money to think through who I am and/or who I want to be. When I say energy, I mean brain and physical. I've decided to do this here. I have terrible handwriting, and hate having pen in hand for long periods of time, so typing is better for me. This will be a process. Thinking, planning, problem solving. It will require some effort, and some patience on my part. For example: this morning is friday. I do my paperwork on friday mornings. But, I decided to take my personal time until 9, and not feel guilty. I read my scriptures, wrote my thankfuls, drank my hot caffeine flavored water, and am writing. I (think?) I need to take some personal time each day. I need to work on a goal, or project each day. I need to figure out what I love, and do things to embrace it. My idea is that if I push myself to do these, I will be able to push away the extreme depression and loneliness that encompassed me last school year. I will try to come here to plan, and report. 

Today: Paper work until 10:30, get ready, town, lunch (with Amy, Emily, Krew, Carson),  meet Canyon and Cruz off the bus at 1:30, take them to gravity factory, nap, paperwork, weed,  pick them up, 

During the day goals,

clean cupboards, drawers

fix trim stain, 

weed

beans

pick raspberries

make some blankets

start photo books

I'll be back.....

Allowances

 Maybe things to help me

-Allow myself to feel totally fine with going to town without makeup. Or, hair done. 

or to Valley wide in my pig clothes.

-Allow myself to get sleep that would equal 8-9 hours. That means that if I get 6 at night, then I can catch up to 8 somehow in the day.

the person

 So, I'm actually not ok. I want to sleep all of the time. I fight myself to go outside. I actually want to stay in my sweats. I don't enjoy working out. I hate 4:45 am. I am grouchy. there are posts that say, "I'll always listen." nobody really wants to listen to someone having a hard time. I don't have bad things going on. I'm really just depressed. I really just have chemical things going on that make me sad. and, want to cry and to keep going back to my bed.   Im lonely. I have no friends. I have no purpose. Im sad. I watch t.v. series to trick my brain into thinking I have a support system. ha ha. So really. I'm not ok. But I don't have anyone to tell. I'm not ok.