Adults vs Kids

10 year old- "What are you doing tomorrow?"

22 year old- "Adult stuff."

After months of so much dedication. Silent cheering. 

My baby just got the Adult card played.  Super sad face. 

Super sad heart.

Lost Connections

 I'm reading this book that is purposing the idea that antidepressants don't work. That the reason we are depressed or anxious is because of traumas in our life. That really sucks. I need antidepressants to work. I need the hope that they make me feel better. 

Time line of triggers:

abuse

"big thighs"

Josh Strobels death

college

mission

marriage

others porn

gas lighting

"Your Vile"

Rainy

Carson

It states that we need hope. We need connections. We need a person, or people. That it is not a chemical imbalance, it's grief. Loss of connection. I am intrigued by the idea of actually who I have ever been connected to. 

Rocks

 I've always had an obsession with rocks. Not the little ones. Like the ones that we landscape our yard with. But, as my body gets older, I am thinking I might be over it. They are heavy. And, the wheelbarrow doesn't work. And, they are heavy, and my yard is big. Hopefully, I can be done with the rocks for a very long time. 

Ashamed to be a Long Hauler

 I am not a fan of the pandemic. I want to say it's really not that big of a deal. It's part of life. I get sick, I get better. Cycle of the human body. But, I do have a couple of lasting symptoms. Ugh. Not cool. And, no, I won't tell many people, because of the shame. However, my body is not the same. 

Here's what I know. 

I get body chills a dozen times a day. 

My smell is still off, I get really weird wiff's of nasty rotten meat.

I feel sick, or like I'm getting sick all the time. 

And, I get the 'withers' where I completely get so deeply exhausted.

I cough whenever I yawn

God

 God said He knows Carson's heart. God said to "Trust Me." 

I'm trying. 

God please fix this. You know Carson. You know that he is Elect. Save him. 

LaTrese and Maxine

 I need LaTrese to rain down a little Karma. And Maxine. They can combine right? Combine their maternal power and make it ok. 

How does it work?

 I've worked in Mental Health for 20 years. I suggest therapy to everyone. But, this week, I go to my first appointment. 

How does it work? Is there questions? Is there a pin point? Is there the broadest spectrum? Where do I start? 

When I was 6? My dirty closet, like, my literal dirty closet? Because that is the last thing that I take care of. The egg shells? The failure? The complete blindsides that have absolutely crushed my heart. Like, demolished my heart. The loneliness? Aren't I supposed to have enough faith in God enough to be fine? To trust that I can talk to Him, and it will all work out?

I do not know how this works. 

Edit:

Two months later. What I have learned.

It's ok to hold something dear. To have a value that is strong. One for me is the idea of a mission. I believed that by going on a mission, that it would guarantee that my kids would go on missions. Well, that obviously is not true. However, the sadness that accompanies that is because of the value that I place on a mission. Not even necessarily for the testimony of it. But, for the experience. For the trying aspect. For the idea that my kids are strong, and can do hard things. I actually do not consider it sad that their testimony isn't such that would drive the desire for a mission. It is the idea that they don't hold a value to the experience that it would provide. That. That is what breaks my heart.

That as a 3rd child, A pisces, a pleaser, I created an invisibility. It was better, easier, to be invisible. I still do it. I don't cause a fuss. Maybe I didn't create it, but it was created for me. I was/am invisible.- don't make waves. Don't bring attention to myself. 

That my issues come down to two roots. My mom, and the other thing. One thing I've come to understand is that it is important for my kids to feel like they have a voice. I had mostly processed this in the light of with Vicki, but, I supposed I need to branch out on this. 

My body image disorder. I have set goals. No scale. Moderation in workout. Not pay attention to burned calories. Talk to Cody. 

That it is ok to ask for help. Split the responsibilities.

Trust. What does that look like. How does one earn it. Does anyone actually really hold my trust.

An Ah-hah. Primary meetings actually won't really get me into heaven. It's not a check the box list. It's not near as complicated as I make it. The most important thing is if I am a good person. Guilty actions will not win me a prize. It's ok, to not check all the boxes. Here's whats important: My relationship with God. My relationship with Christ. My hearing the Spirit. My relationship with my family. Thats all. ( I learned this one on my own.)

What is really my purpose?

So, in addition to my kids having a voice, I learned another thing. I don't want my kids to be invisible. However, that is what I have subconsciously done. "Don't make a fuss. Don't draw attention. Just be good." I seriously have created an environment of 'be invisible.'  I had no idea. But, now that I know, I can work on that.