Rant

 ok, so I need to purge. or,  i will explode. and, we know that doesn't go over well.

ugh. I am so grouchy, and it is my very spoiled children, who appreciate nothing.  and, never say thank you.  and, expect and expect and if one of them ever paid me back for something that they say they will pay be back for, I may fall over on the floor dead from surprise. 

examples: 

rides. all hours of the day and night. no please, no thank you. only, are you ready yet?! 

money.  sign me up for this; $100. Register me for this; $100. register me for usu; $200. pay my downpayment for housing; $500. car insurance. health insurance. phones. 

"Oh, and can you stop and buy me a swimmy for this class (because although I have 5 bikinis that are new this year), I need a one piece for this class today. "

"Can I borrow all your cash ($60) because the dance doesn't take cards." But don't worry, we went to lagoon for our date.

$1000 flights.

Pay for Lagoon

$2000 trip for graduation, but "can you buy me new headphones for graduation, they are only $300, when originally they are $600" which this is pair 3? or 4? because I'm still on my $14 ones from walmart, which is the only pair I've ever owned because even the ones that have come with my phones were stolen from these people.

Oh, but let me spend money on a Coors tshirt.

and 

"can you buy rice cauliflower for me" and these "16 vitamins" and "I'll just eat this chicken breast for a snack." and "oh, I am spoze to share this whole carton of strawberries?' And, yes, Mothers day is tomorrow, "you can have the left overs from this bouquet you made the corsage from." Oh, and I bought this really great $40 sweater for me, and this $10 gift for mothers day from me and the little boys, but the little boys gave me the money."

Here's the thing. If there was one effing ounce of appreciation. and it wasn't expected with a courtesy eye rolls. 

I had 1, 1 swimsuit all through high school. 

I paid my own way on EVERYTHING, and always said thank you. 

3 weeks ago I broke down and sobbed and said the f word and really actually wanted to not live anymore. I figured that they would do better with my life insurance policy pay out than with me. It doesn't do any good tho, to cry or say the f word. Because then they are scared of me and think I am weak, and don't talk to me and just leave. They are actually very very thoughtless. Skye gave them a challenge to do more. lists, chores, dinner nights. Ha. Ha, fucking ha. Carson did one night. Creeden one night. That's it. That's all. I actually may not really like any of these people I gave birth to. I give and give and try and try and I get shit on All Day Long. I am so over it. 

My Brother

 On the Sunday before Labor Day we sat around what used to be called Emily Campground #2.  Earlier in the weekend, Amy had decided we should rename it to Amy Campground, because why should there be Emily 1,2, and 3.  Our family went up and joined Mom and Dad, Amy and Mat, Hayden and J'lynn with babies after the football game on Friday.  Luke and Emily joined us for Sunday dinner in the hills and we reminisced about Labor Day Past; Truck wrecks, animals hunted, fights, and oh yes, Cancer camp. 13 years ago. Jace went to the dr the day after being in Emily Campground 13 yrs ago, leading to his leukemia diagnosis. 

This year. The day after Labor Day, Luke got the phone call. He's been sick a year. Last August (ish) he got covid, got immunization. Kept the cough. A couple of months later. Pnuemonia. A couple of months later, covid, pnuemonia, back and forth. June. a dr said: 'this isn't changing, something else is going on.' And now, it's official. Lung Cancer. 

Amy has put most of the details on fb. 

But my details. This is the brother that keeps things light. This is my little brother. This is the one I've always got along with best. This is the one I'm actually probably most like. This brother has littles. They NEED HIM. This brother is the middle of mine and so many others universe. This brother has to be ok. The world needs him. I need him. 

Lights

I think I haven't written a positive post for awhile. It's time. 

I love Christmas Lights. I love them in my house, and I love looking out of my window and seeing them on my porch.

I love our Christmas Cozy. Christmas blankets, pillows, fire. And now, even sheets. <3

I love my slippers.

I love my heater blanket.

I love our beautiful tree.

I love a hot shower.

I love planning our cruise.

I love that our excursions are super cool!

I love Christmas plaid. 

I love traditional treats.

ohhh, and I have a new favorite. Hot water with a little creamer! 

I love my Christmas shirts.

I love our collections; Santa, Snowmen, Village

You conceived me....

 Actual, literal conversation had AT MY DINNER TABLE  5 minutes ago.

Daisy (14)- "Mom, you conceived me in April? Was there something special going on?"

Carson (18)- "Oh wait, so that means you conceived me at Christmas, I know what was happening when Santa rolled on down the chimney."

Creeden(12)- "How do you figure this out? how do you know?"

Daisy- "Carson, you were an accident, mom didn't even know she was pregnant with you until she was like 6 months along."

Canyon (8)- "Was I a disappointment (meant to say accident)?"

Me-to Canyon, "Well, not yet."

and 

Me to the rest of them- "Are we really having this conversation?"

Forehead Slap.  

Was it the dust in the air? or an accumulation of the past 3 weeks.

 I feel like a panic button is about to be pressed in my brain. 

We were racing the sunset to get to the river bottoms for the boys to get their Homecoming pics before it got too late. The windshield was dusty, and the roads windy. It's cold. Was that it?

or....Was it that I was in charge of potatoes and corn for their dinner. I had to make them before Daytons temple session, so who knows if they are good? 

or....The corsage and boutonniere that I made, but had no idea what I was doing?

or....Creedens football game in Shelly that they lost 0-48, was that it? 

or...Carson's last Homecoming football game,

or...the never-ending paperwork,

or...getting everybody settled for the Homecoming Parade; Cute, red and white, candy, on a float, happy. 

or...Getting Roger in to a rehab facility? and Turk going shoe shopping during his intake,

or...Creeden breaking his friends nose while playing backyard baseball?

or...being questioned as to 'why would you want to put him in rehab, we can take him home. Which days do you have off?' 

or...Rogers stroke; not talking, not understanding.

or...Rogers heart attack, 2 hospitals, 4:17 am bedtime

or...3:00 a.m. wake up to go to utah to my old companions son's funeral. 

or...President Rowe being placed on hospice.

or...Luke. Luke. Luke. Luke texting at 9:38 pm. on September 6 saying, "the dr said it is called Non Smokers Lung Cancer."

So much. 

Big Girl

 I did a Big Girl thing today. I texted someone who owned Daisy money, and asked to come get it!  Good Job Me!

Cupboards to wipe

I found that 'me time' is a little harder to do than it sounds. For a variety of reasons: There are always cupboards to wipe, socks to pick up, or a text from a kid to answer. So yesterday, Saturday, I gave myself some grace; Saturdays are different than weekdays. Saturdays and Sundays I need to be more family aware. Weekdays, when I'm alone, is when I need to concentrate on my move  Me forward plans.

But, I wiped the cupboards, and the dishes are done. So, I think first I should figure out some things about me in my current adultish/oldish life. By doing this I suppose that I can determine what goals I want to pursue, and what is important to me.     Ok, now I'm stumped. Overwhelmed. Maybe I'll brainstorm a list of thoughts.

I want to travel:  Cruise with my family during the winter. Go back east with Cody in the fall. Go to the beach. Camp for days. All without guilt. I want to go to England, or Scotland. Without guilt. This guilt would include, no guilt from work, from finances, from kids, from Cody. 

which leads me to: I need some flexible money, income for travel specifically. How can I do this? What can I specifically do to get some extra money. Everything I do or help with turns around to the kids. Pretty much rightfully so. Pigs. Golf balls. I need to bring in money without sacrifice of time with the kids. Help me think. 

I want to know My religion.  To know more about my Heavenly Mother. To do by love, not guilt.