Maybe things to help me
-Allow myself to feel totally fine with going to town without makeup. Or, hair done.
or to Valley wide in my pig clothes.
-Allow myself to get sleep that would equal 8-9 hours. That means that if I get 6 at night, then I can catch up to 8 somehow in the day.
So, I'm actually not ok. I want to sleep all of the time. I fight myself to go outside. I actually want to stay in my sweats. I don't enjoy working out. I hate 4:45 am. I am grouchy. there are posts that say, "I'll always listen." nobody really wants to listen to someone having a hard time. I don't have bad things going on. I'm really just depressed. I really just have chemical things going on that make me sad. and, want to cry and to keep going back to my bed. Im lonely. I have no friends. I have no purpose. Im sad. I watch t.v. series to trick my brain into thinking I have a support system. ha ha. So really. I'm not ok. But I don't have anyone to tell. I'm not ok.
I have been assigned ministering sisters I spoze most of my adult life. They have come in the past. Mostly when I was having babies. I had one very seriously tell me that going back to school was a bad idea. But, for the most part it's been ok. However, the past couple of years, they haven't come at all. They've been assigned, but not a peep. It has made me feel like even when I get assigned as someones duty, I'm not worthy of their time or attention. It hurts my heart. I told the RSP to take me off the list. I don't want assigned heart breakers.
-My religiosity doesn't equal my worth.
-That I'd rather be honest and be judged by hypocrites, than be a hypocrite.
-I had a dream that a me split off of me (she was a glowy beautiful me) and saw me, and wanted to be my friend.
-I don't have to be invisible.
-I don't have to be nice for decades with no return. There may be a little too much enmeshment and it ok to set boundaries. That being said, NOBODY beside Amy asked how Carson or us were in the past year and a half. F them.
-Golden handcuffs.
-I am not a huge night person, even less of a morning person. I am mostly a sleep person.
-A cold Virginia helped it not be such a dream.
-I feel very strongly against Zac and Stacie. They stole Cody's idea and pushed him out.
-I am not a fan of people who do not follow through with texting me back, or getting me an answer when they say they will... i.e. probation officers, travel agents.
-I have covid again, or omicron, or whatever the severe cold is.
-Nobody besides Amy and Cody have told me I look good after working for a year to loose weight and gain muscle.
-I am not a fan of liars. I.e. "She's miserable. She can just fake it really well like me." "I think you misunderstood me."
-I physically felt pain when we found out Carson they were saying more months of probation for Carson.
-I would rather not be assigned ministering sisters. I have not had anyone from church pay be any attention except for "did you do your calling?" FOR YEARS!! It hurts my heart that even people who are 'assigned to be my friend,' have never even talked to me.
-And with the whole ministering.... being a one sided friend is exhausting.
-I actually have no friends besides Amy.
Man, I must be sick.
In no particular order:
Fed Ex-
-Fed Ex in, Fed Ex out, Fed Ex trip to Nashville, Zac and Stacie just taking it over.
My work-
Nothing really new... One client die from covid
Cody's work-
-Paid $6000 back from when he was sick with Covid
-Was ready to quit, go to Fed Ex. But, settled in for the long haul.
Our House-
-Redid our bedroom, carpet and bedspread
-Pillows obsession
Pigs-
-Horrible experience
Trips-
-Logan ski trip
-Virginia for Codys birthday surprise
-Lewiston for football
-Glacier National Park
-BYU game for me
-Sisters Reunion
Skye-
-Blake, West Yellowstone again, Para at Burton
Carson-
-JV football, Leishman Electric, Harvest, Rays carwash, Cait
Daisy-
-Pig, Carol, Cheer,
Creeden-
-Pig, golf balls, football, baseball (pitching),
Canyon-
-soccer, flag football, golf balls,
Cody-
- Put in new lights in the kitchen and family room, Felt sick most of the year, Tried fed ex
Me-
-Worked out 3-6 days a week. Lost 10 lbs. Read a lot of books. Did therapy.
My heart hurts.
Why?
Why have we tried so hard, for nothing.
Why is it almost a deliberate opposition.
Why is it so hard?
Why can't they just make good decisions?
Why can't they celebrate being good, or awesome, or want to be good, or awesome? It's easier to be good, and they choose to be everything I ask them not to be.
I am so disappointed.
I should not be a parent.
I may actually Hate being a parent.
