Who am i

 Ive been able to recognize that although summer is hard in the idea that the kids are home; making messes, needing entertainment, feeling my presence or lack of, it is good for my brain. The kids have gone back to school this week and I am thinking I need to make some goals. Make some plans, for myself. Lately, I look at quotes, or memes and think: Is this me? I almost am not sure. I have decided to start actually figuring out, who I am now at 46. It's been awhile since I've had the time, energy, or maybe even money to think through who I am and/or who I want to be. When I say energy, I mean brain and physical. I've decided to do this here. I have terrible handwriting, and hate having pen in hand for long periods of time, so typing is better for me. This will be a process. Thinking, planning, problem solving. It will require some effort, and some patience on my part. For example: this morning is friday. I do my paperwork on friday mornings. But, I decided to take my personal time until 9, and not feel guilty. I read my scriptures, wrote my thankfuls, drank my hot caffeine flavored water, and am writing. I (think?) I need to take some personal time each day. I need to work on a goal, or project each day. I need to figure out what I love, and do things to embrace it. My idea is that if I push myself to do these, I will be able to push away the extreme depression and loneliness that encompassed me last school year. I will try to come here to plan, and report. 

Today: Paper work until 10:30, get ready, town, lunch (with Amy, Emily, Krew, Carson),  meet Canyon and Cruz off the bus at 1:30, take them to gravity factory, nap, paperwork, weed,  pick them up, 

During the day goals,

clean cupboards, drawers

fix trim stain, 

weed

beans

pick raspberries

make some blankets

start photo books

I'll be back.....

Allowances

 Maybe things to help me

-Allow myself to feel totally fine with going to town without makeup. Or, hair done. 

or to Valley wide in my pig clothes.

-Allow myself to get sleep that would equal 8-9 hours. That means that if I get 6 at night, then I can catch up to 8 somehow in the day.

the person

 So, I'm actually not ok. I want to sleep all of the time. I fight myself to go outside. I actually want to stay in my sweats. I don't enjoy working out. I hate 4:45 am. I am grouchy. there are posts that say, "I'll always listen." nobody really wants to listen to someone having a hard time. I don't have bad things going on. I'm really just depressed. I really just have chemical things going on that make me sad. and, want to cry and to keep going back to my bed.   Im lonely. I have no friends. I have no purpose. Im sad. I watch t.v. series to trick my brain into thinking I have a support system. ha ha. So really. I'm not ok. But I don't have anyone to tell. I'm not ok. 

raw

 I have been assigned ministering sisters I spoze most of my adult life. They have come in the past. Mostly when I was having babies. I had one very seriously tell me that going back to school was a bad idea. But, for the most part it's been ok. However, the past couple of years, they haven't come at all. They've  been assigned, but not a peep. It has made me feel like even when I get assigned as someones duty, I'm not worthy of their  time or attention. It hurts my heart. I told the RSP to take me off the list. I don't want assigned heart breakers.

the drive.

cloudy

 pain

mental

not physical

control

loss further deeper

disconnect

push into hate

numb

Things I'm Learning. Or, may it's just my January Rant.

-My religiosity doesn't equal my worth. 

-That I'd rather be honest and be judged by hypocrites, than be a hypocrite. 

-I had a dream that a me split off of me (she was a glowy beautiful me) and saw me, and wanted to be my friend.

-I don't have to be invisible.

-I don't have to be nice for decades with no return. There may be a little too much enmeshment and it ok to set boundaries. That being said, NOBODY beside Amy asked how Carson or us were in the past year and a half. F them. 

-Golden handcuffs.

-I am not a huge night person, even less of a morning person. I am mostly a sleep person.

-A cold Virginia helped it not be such a dream.

-I feel very strongly against Zac and Stacie. They stole Cody's idea and pushed him out. 

-I am not a fan of people who do not follow through with texting me back, or getting me an answer when they say they will... i.e. probation officers, travel agents.

-I have covid again, or omicron, or whatever the severe cold is. 

-Nobody besides Amy and Cody have told me I look good after working for a year to loose weight and gain muscle.

-I am not a fan of liars. I.e. "She's miserable. She can just fake it really well like me." "I think you misunderstood me."

-I physically felt pain when we found out Carson they were saying more months of probation for Carson. 

-I would rather not be assigned ministering sisters. I have not had anyone from church pay be any attention except for "did you do your calling?" FOR YEARS!!  It hurts my heart that even people who are 'assigned to be my friend,' have never even talked to me. 

-And with the whole ministering.... being a one sided friend is exhausting. 

-I actually have no friends besides Amy. 

Man, I must be sick. 

the big things of 21

 In no particular order:

Fed Ex-

-Fed Ex in, Fed Ex out, Fed Ex trip to Nashville, Zac and Stacie just taking it over. 

My work-

Nothing really new... One client die from covid 

Cody's work- 

-Paid  $6000 back from when he was sick with Covid

-Was ready to quit, go to Fed Ex. But, settled in for the long haul.

Our House-

-Redid our bedroom, carpet and bedspread

-Pillows obsession

Pigs-

-Horrible experience

Trips-

-Logan ski trip

-Virginia for Codys birthday surprise

-Lewiston for football

-Glacier National Park

-BYU game for me

-Sisters Reunion

Skye-

-Blake, West Yellowstone again, Para at Burton

Carson-

-JV football, Leishman Electric, Harvest, Rays carwash, Cait

Daisy-

-Pig, Carol, Cheer, 

Creeden-

-Pig, golf balls, football, baseball (pitching), 

Canyon-

-soccer, flag football, golf balls, 

Cody-

- Put in new lights in the kitchen and family room, Felt sick most of the year, Tried fed ex

Me-

-Worked out 3-6 days a week. Lost 10 lbs. Read a lot of books. Did therapy.