Ashamed to be a Long Hauler

 I am not a fan of the pandemic. I want to say it's really not that big of a deal. It's part of life. I get sick, I get better. Cycle of the human body. But, I do have a couple of lasting symptoms. Ugh. Not cool. And, no, I won't tell many people, because of the shame. However, my body is not the same. 

Here's what I know. 

I get body chills a dozen times a day. 

My smell is still off, I get really weird wiff's of nasty rotten meat.

I feel sick, or like I'm getting sick all the time. 

And, I get the 'withers' where I completely get so deeply exhausted.

I cough whenever I yawn

God

 God said He knows Carson's heart. God said to "Trust Me." 

I'm trying. 

God please fix this. You know Carson. You know that he is Elect. Save him. 

LaTrese and Maxine

 I need LaTrese to rain down a little Karma. And Maxine. They can combine right? Combine their maternal power and make it ok. 

How does it work?

 I've worked in Mental Health for 20 years. I suggest therapy to everyone. But, this week, I go to my first appointment. 

How does it work? Is there questions? Is there a pin point? Is there the broadest spectrum? Where do I start? 

When I was 6? My dirty closet, like, my literal dirty closet? Because that is the last thing that I take care of. The egg shells? The failure? The complete blindsides that have absolutely crushed my heart. Like, demolished my heart. The loneliness? Aren't I supposed to have enough faith in God enough to be fine? To trust that I can talk to Him, and it will all work out?

I do not know how this works. 

Edit:

Two months later. What I have learned.

It's ok to hold something dear. To have a value that is strong. One for me is the idea of a mission. I believed that by going on a mission, that it would guarantee that my kids would go on missions. Well, that obviously is not true. However, the sadness that accompanies that is because of the value that I place on a mission. Not even necessarily for the testimony of it. But, for the experience. For the trying aspect. For the idea that my kids are strong, and can do hard things. I actually do not consider it sad that their testimony isn't such that would drive the desire for a mission. It is the idea that they don't hold a value to the experience that it would provide. That. That is what breaks my heart.

That as a 3rd child, A pisces, a pleaser, I created an invisibility. It was better, easier, to be invisible. I still do it. I don't cause a fuss. Maybe I didn't create it, but it was created for me. I was/am invisible.- don't make waves. Don't bring attention to myself. 

That my issues come down to two roots. My mom, and the other thing. One thing I've come to understand is that it is important for my kids to feel like they have a voice. I had mostly processed this in the light of with Vicki, but, I supposed I need to branch out on this. 

My body image disorder. I have set goals. No scale. Moderation in workout. Not pay attention to burned calories. Talk to Cody. 

That it is ok to ask for help. Split the responsibilities.

Trust. What does that look like. How does one earn it. Does anyone actually really hold my trust.

An Ah-hah. Primary meetings actually won't really get me into heaven. It's not a check the box list. It's not near as complicated as I make it. The most important thing is if I am a good person. Guilty actions will not win me a prize. It's ok, to not check all the boxes. Here's whats important: My relationship with God. My relationship with Christ. My hearing the Spirit. My relationship with my family. Thats all. ( I learned this one on my own.)

What is really my purpose?

So, in addition to my kids having a voice, I learned another thing. I don't want my kids to be invisible. However, that is what I have subconsciously done. "Don't make a fuss. Don't draw attention. Just be good." I seriously have created an environment of 'be invisible.'  I had no idea. But, now that I know, I can work on that. 

The door.

 It happened. I wasn't here. Cody had to answer the door. At least that trauma is over. That part of the waiting. But now?

people who don't judge.

 You know when things happen in life and everything breaks down; your brain, you heart, your emotions? And then you need to just hear what you are supposed to do, and have some direction, and some love? Who do you go to?  Who is it that you tell, I am 100% broke, I can't do this anymore, I have nothing left. It's interesting the people that step up and in. It's interesting the people who step out. "I'm booked, have a waiting list because I'm so popular, try ---so and so---." Actual quote. Don't worry, I won't ever effing ask again.

 It's curious what people judge, vs what they don't judge. And, who wants to know to help, or who wants to know to spread the word. It's really if my drama effects them. Super weird that right now, people are stepping out because of how our latest of sickness could effect them. 

The world is a weird place. 

And, who are the people who can keep dealing with blows. Kids in trouble. Police, Lawyers. Sickness. How do they keep going? Is that why they tune out? How are people ever old enough, or stable enough, or strong enough to keeeeep going? 

How do I do this 3 more times. 

Did you know I hate when someone knocks on my door. It's Ptsd. 

Corona. She's a B*tch.

She thinks she can just shut down the world. Stop travel. Stop going out. Stop wearing lip gloss. Stop shaking hands. Stop my energy level. Stop Cody from getting up. Stop Skye from coming in the house. Stop my kids from school. Stop Carson and Creeden from football. Stop Daisy from cheer. Stop Canyon from Soccer. However, she doesn't stop me from having dishes, and work, and meals, and taking care of everything else.  I'm living in a cesspool of corona nasty.