My Gratitude Journal, and then there's this.

October

I try and write down 3 thankfuls everyday. But sometimes my brain just wanders to all things, like;
-putting off doing halloween decorations. will anybody notice. cross fingers
-my head hurts. my head always hurts
-i'm tired. i'm always tired.
-i'm not sure I can get myself outside, so I can wonder around and try and be productive.
-motions.
-I hate my hair.
-I'm chubby
-so freaking cold

Truths

-I am comfort eating ice cream tonight. I really don't do that much anymore, so I'm not ashamed, and I will tell you straight out. It's purely for comfort.

-My house is beautiful with all of its Christmas decorations up. It's warm. It smells delicious.

-We decorated the the second week in November for Christmas because Skye and Carson were excited to "have our house cute." So they totally helped rearrange upstairs, gave me advice on how to update it, and then CLEANED!!!

-Decorated couch pillows are so Fun!

people

-weird. I actually don't hate you. I never liked you enough to have the strong enough desire to hate you. I just really don't like you.

-I am only your friend when you needs something.

-Way too much comfort in curling up on my 2 person couch to sleep.

-Dark lip-stick

-The women of the church. So very forgotten.

-You are too self centered for you to treat me as an actual friend.

-Yes, women need women, but I have no women who need me.

white

I love white. But, I don't buy white on purpose. However, my two teenagers love white, and buy white. Then have me clean it. And, when one got it dirty, she said to me, "I'll have my her clean it (boyfriends mom)." good. have her clean all of your whites.

Sparkles on my Skin

-I love sparkles on my skin. How old do you think I have to be to be considered senile enough to bath in glitter, and have it be ok?

-Canyon- "Let's Go, Psycho!"

-Creeden- Player, or "Play-her" (forehead smack)

-Waves. Love my wave earrings. Love my wave ring. Love my wave necklace.

-Canyon said at Rigby Lake. "This sure isn't very big waves!" Funny, and sad.

-Paralyzed by schedule. It's a very real trauma.
My summer. My messy house. My weedy yard.
It's due  to the paralyzation of planning for the next thing. New York, Virginia, Elite Camp, Swim Lessons, Camping, Reunion, Trek.

Inspiration. ? Choice.

What chemical is lacking when my vision sees only, dead leaves, yellow grass, weeds.
Missing the forest for the trees.

Indifferent. Need. Want. Desire.

I think these are the levels of care in a relationship. And, when I think about these, I think in only the level of what the other holds me. I started this thought process in regards to intimacy. (Which, yes, is not in the first two) But, really, isn't this truth for all relationships. The problem for me in the world is I am a person who wants level 3, or 4. I want to be Wanted. I want to be Desired.  Do you know that I dream, yes my dreams are that someone Wants me. They are infatuated with me. They think that I am amazing. (It's always an unknown face) They adore me. I am not sure I have ever been adored. I do really like that word though.

What honey?

-How many times a day can I say, "what Honey?" I think that is the quest, for my kids, my family to see if they can get me to a million.

-If you have kids when you are young, then you are taking care of them in your prime years, active years. So you don't surf. By the time you are not pulling them on the boogie board, or digging sand castles, or making sure they don't drowned, you are old. Your body hurts. Your joints, your back, your  head, your desire. So you don't surf.

-Crabs. Delightfully weird little creatures.

-Sunrises. Sunsets.

-Dolphins may be the most peaceful of all creatures, mostly due to the surroundings of when I see them.

-Ask my how I am.
Care how I am.

-Grounding. Balancing. Absorbing. Calm. Still. Here. = My current prayer.