The best of the previous.

My brother once suggested, "what if our current life is built on our past life."

I've taken that thought, and here's what I've created.

You are born, you live, you make  choices; good and bad, and then you die. 

Then, you are born again, and for all the good choices, all the good that you did, you get to keep in the born again life.  

You had fabulous grades because you worked hard? 

Next life, good grades come easy.

You make a good decision on your career?

You keep the career.

You hate your job, but give it all you have?

Next life, you get a different option.

Fabulous spouse?

Next life, same spouse.

Not perfect spouse?

Get to choose again.

House, City, Family?

Keep the good, try again on that which was not the ideal. 

Interesting thought process huh? 

I like it. I like the idea of lots of possibilities in lots of lives! 

(this is where I would usually insert a laughing emoji)

Pictures. Fact or Fiction.

I see them. But, I am having a really hard time believing that they really happened.
43 years of moments captured on glossy 4x6.
How do I not remember the before or after of that precise pose?
How did I get from there to here?

Fingernail paint.

I'm painting my fingernails now.
It makes me happy.
It's all in the color.
Who knew?!  Yay!

Intimate Music

I find that when I know what someone likes to listen to in the privacy of their own car, office, earbud, kitchen, I feel like I get very personal peek into their soul. I love new music options, I love to hear new varieties, but almost feel like I'm a personal stalker if I listen to what they listen to in the privacy of their own time. I suppose it's because music is a very intimate thing for me. I listen to it because it speaks to my heart, my soul. If it and I connect, it is on a very intimate level. Therefore, if I connect to that which someone else has connected to already, are we then connected?

The Call

People post things about "I will be there for you if you need me."
I don't believe them.
If they were going to be there for me when I need them, where are they? I need them all the time.
I am not in a good spot.
It's mental.
It's not situational.
Things are good in my 4 walls. My babies are ok, and my marriage is fine. Fine.
But, my mental is sad. My mental is lonely. My mental is at war constantly fighting the 'what ifs' and paranoias of irrationality.
If I called you, you could not help me. I actually have no idea what could help me.
I hate January.

New Ah Hahs!

-The dark makes me fat. Yes, I blame it. I sort of wake up in the morning, think, "I should go work out." But the dark FORBIDS it. Seriously. It is a live voice in my head that says, "NO, it is DARK, DO NOT GET UP!"

-Cooking with half-n-half is super yummy. And coco with it, mmmm. (But yes, still blaming the dark.)

-I sort of love my Mac laptop. It is my friend. Sort of really serious.

-I do better in my life and brain when I work. But, not super loving my job. Or jobs. In fact, don't love them, at all.

-Yes, I am back to Grey's. It makes me feel less lonely. Again, imaginary friends. Imaginary consistent friends who distract me from getting lost in the anxiety of my brain.

-You know that minute when you cry and some words fall out of your mouth that may have more meaning than you even knew, or planned. I heard these come out this week. 'I would love any amount of any attention.'

-Although, I did have 2 separate events that I was cared for. I took a bath, and had Cody wash my surgically altered shoulder. It was nice. Then, I paid him $3 to use oil and rub my shoulders.

-It's been awhile since I've been here.  I can't believe how fast days add up.

-Mothers don't need physical therapy. They have kitchen counters.

Tin therapy

- To the girl who told me me that my hair grows, and that it's all in my head that it doesn't,
No, it doesn't. It's been 2 1/2 months since i cut it last, and guess what, it has NOT grown. I hate what you did to my paranoid mind. Thanks for making me question that.

-I watched a kiss happen  on tv, and realized I am broken.

-picture perfect health. then what the hell is going on?

-There are people who make my life harder. Daily. Am I that person to anyone?