Absorb

It's my new goal.
I want to Absorb the Minutes. The Sunshine. The Heat. The Pool. The Beach. The Sand. The kids playing together.
I want to be in the minute.
I am going to focus my next month on letting it all Absorb.

Thoughts from the Tin.

-Nothing like a 3 year old boy.
At that age they probably love deeper than any other age in the universe.
Seriously,
they kiss you on the toilet,
they love the pancake that got a wrinkle, and think 'It's so cool!,'
they bring the blanket for snuggle time,
and they think everything is 'hilarious.'
Yes, I love 3 year old boys.

-Is is that Virginia humidity is amazing for my skin? or is it that it's the first time in my life that I take the time to baby it?

-I should be a radiation control instructor.

-When everything you loved, changes, without your input, what's fair?

-How many prayers for a miracle have to go unheard, before you give up on miracles?

-I finally found a peace in aging. It is this; I have beautiful children.

-I fear that my negligence with sun screen makes me a bad mom.  When people see my tan little babies do women who have pale kids gasp in horror?

-My shower indulgence, and love of hot steamy soak time has really been hindered by the city water concept of paying for water.

-Remember how a text is so easy? Sad reminder that I actually, literally, have 2 friends, outside my family who has remembered me. All summer.

-Little cars are such a nice sigh of relief.

-I really really love warm.

REI, Eyelashes, Swimsuits

On the 4th we decided, Beach! Cody was off, and since we are sort of in love with sunshine, that was the choice. And, being beach experts now :), it's easiest to just wear the swimsuit from home.  So I did. On the way Cody decided that he wanted to grab a beach chair and pulled into REI. We all went in. Went into a store, REI, in my swimsuit, and tiny little coverup. Walked into the store with probably half my a** showing. 

I wouldn't be writing about it if this wasn't impactful and if I didn't have a minute of pause where I sat down on the kid table, where Canyon was playing National Park Jenga. 

I was completely comfortable. 

Why? 

Because Nobody even looked at me. 

Nobody noticed, 

And nobody JUDGED!

A few years ago I started with eyelash extensions. 

I have short hair, no boobs, and look like a boy. So I have loved having long eyelashes. It's the only splurge, and feminine thing I engage in. They only last a few weeks at a time, and since they are not a 'thing' here, (hum, again, a place in the world where people don't judge) I decided to let my real lashes breath and have let the extensions go. I am working on the idea of self acceptance, but by being here, I am totally fine going about life, and stores, and outside world with no lashes.

I have written more than once about my anxieties. Questioning where they come from. I think I am ready to start thinking that through.

Middle Child- Yes, I just went with the flow. I was told by everyone what to do and wasn't in charge of anything, which was fine. But now I'm an adult and have to make the phone calls to schedule and arrange, and fix, and I don't like it. I realized this week that I would have enjoyed marrying someone who took care of me. Who took care of the scheduling, arranging, and fixing, or who babied me. Ha, that would have been fun. I guess it could be said that I created my situation, but I don't think so. I think I had to step up and fill in the gaps. I married an oldest child thinking, subconsciously that I would be taken care of. 

Vicki's child. She has never had a sad day. That's all I am ready to say.

Being Mormon. I know that this is a big part of it. But, I have a brain that takes me into a softer side of religion. Yes, I still do some things out of fear, Motivation by fear. And, Guilt, but those are not as pronounced as before. However, by being here, I recognize that other mormons create huge anxiety in their judgements. The pretense of perfection is deadly. I love love, freaking love being a mormon in virginia because here I am loved. Seen for me. Not judged for what I should be. 

Being a Pisces- the fish. Fish dart here and there, hide in the shadows, but never give up, love, and get hurt. 

And, laying on the beach, sun caressing my skin, waves rhythmically kissing my ears, I realized that inside I still have anxiety. It's chemical. It will always be part of me. I have situations in life that happen, but no harder than anyone else.  I have anxiety in my blood, or bones, or brain, and I'm not sure that really any of the other things would be hard if I didn't have it within. So, by understanding this, maybe, I can work on managing that instead of laying the blame elsewhere. 

Grief. Depression. Postpartum.

I am in beautiful Virginia!

Everyday our only goal is to have fun and make memories.

We are in a new little apartment, we have a gorgeous pool, fabulous workout room, and endless amounts of beach, sunshine, and free time.

There are no schedules, no practices, no callings, no games, no carpools, no tournaments, or competitions. 

I have no paperwork to turn in, no, clients to see, no work stress, or drama.

I suppose that's why I have started to breakdown. 

No distractions.

I wrote the post the other day, and that was the beginning of my mind, and my heart trying to process.

I looking up postpartum after miscarriage. Is it normal? Is it common? What is it?

I think that as I was being told that my baby died, and that I had options as to how to pass it, I had to plan around State Softball, and Work, and Preschool, and Dance, and Practices, and Packing and not get to actually stop and process and grieve. 

Then, that I had to do it without Cody. That this baby that we created, wanted, and were told we should have, was only a part of our life with him gone. And I had to do this, with out  him. Why couldn't he have flown home for the day? Why couldn't he have come home and held me for the weekend after? Ya, there are so many layers to heal.

I talked with Jessica. Wise Jessica from Pineview 204. Who, even after busy schedules and life, and not communicating much in past years, validated me and comforted me and taught me. She was able to put into words the feelings that were jumbled in my soul. She said, 'the minute you find out you are pregnant you change you life to fit this new being. You make plans' envisioning the next christmas with your new baby, your life in virginia; pregnant, telling your work, how to change around rooms, buying clothes, adding additional 4 years of child raising.  And, your body changes. 'Your hormones change huge, then at a miscarriage have such a short time to try and rearrange Again.'  14 lbs in 6 weeks. pregnancy. hormones. reality.  She told me it's ok. I can be whatever I am right now, and it's ok.

I questioned the difference between Grief. Depression. Postpartum. I talked to Cody, and he finally talked to me rather than looking at me like I was crazy. I am smack dab in the middle of grief. But, it is sprinkled with a dose of hormones. Yesterday was a very big day of healing my feeling of crazy, and accepting I am ok. ish. I will survive. I may still cry. I may still question. It may take awhile before I even want to be touched.  But, I will survive. 

Don't know how to process.

I can't imagine that this is healthy. I feel like I am in a dream. I am relying on a few things that I believe are reality, but I worry that as time keeps ticking by, even those glimmers of realness may slip.

If I were to show those 3 previous sentences to a psychiatrist would he deem me crazy?

Here are the things that I am holding on to as hard facts of reality.

I had two pregnancy tests that showed positive. 

I took a picture of them. Sent it to Cody. 

I waited the 10 weeks.
I saw the ultrasound, a tiny little bundle, a heartbeat. A Heartbeat. A Heartbeat. I saw it. 

The measurement was 6 weeks.

Not right. It should be bigger.
 Not possible. Cody left 8 weeks ago.
 Not growing. 

I am a numbers nerd remember. 

All I could imagine was our baby puppies. 

Slow heartbeat meant nothing we did, would change the outcome.   

Again, am I crazy.

The words, 'I'm sorry'

But still I made them do more tests. Additional ultrasounds. Prove to me my baby is dead.

I had to go into that hospital without cody. The whole experience. From sending the pictures of positive tests, to walking into the hospital for them to remove the remains of my baby. Alone. 

I am about to shatter the glass. I may not be ready. 

I don't understand the why behind this. I. We. felt like we were suppose to have another baby. A girl. Emma Rain. She came quick, and left quick. 

I don't want to do that again. But my baby for christmas. My soft baby girl. My baby. 

Why was I asked to something so hard on my mental and physical and emotional and then,   not. 

But worse.

The dr kept emphasizing that it was nothing I did. How does he know? How does he know. Was it the diet soda? Was it the tylenol for my back. Was it merely because Im 42. 

Yes, I don't know how to process this and I think the longer it goes, the more it's eating me, I look at my beautiful kids and think, where is my 6th beautiful baby. 

I don't understand miscarriage. 

I don't understand this in the eternal perspective.

I want to say, I want so much to believe that all she needed was a heartbeat. That all this exceptional Spirit needed was a heartbeat, and that she will always be my guardian angel, and my beautiful daughter on the other side of the vail. Yes. I want to believe this. 

And is this hormonal chaos because of the physical hormones, or mental. Can you have postpartum from a miscarriage? 

My heart hurts that I feel like this is a dream. That I don't understand this reality. That I don't know how to process this.

Put your bra on.

If I ever had a talk to give about being prepared. Or, a book to write about being ready, I would title it, Put Your Bra On. That's good huh?
This week was the 4 year anniversary of Cody's accident. As I got his call, and I jumped out of bed to hurry and find him, I had one split second of hesitation as I threw on my sweats, and sweatshirt. Bra or no bra? I for the most part require no bra most of the time, but it is definitely most appropriate to have it on outside my house walls. But, at 5:42 in the morning, I had no idea what the day was going to bring, and the choice to put it on was a good one. I ended being at the hospital all day and it was good I was physically prepared to be there. So, although this can go into pages of thoughts, and chapters of derivatives-  I'll leave it at this. If there is the slightest option of needing one, it is best to just go ahead and Put your Bra on. :)

2340 miles

We did it. We made it. We went from Rexburg, to Rock Springs. Then, Rocks Springs to Kansas City Missouri. Kansas City to Beckley West Virginia, and then 5616 Infinity Lane Virginia! Wowza.
Recap?
I missed the beauty of  Colorado. I saw a glimpse from a far, but super disappointed.
It rained.  A ton.
But, then, we saw some Fantastic Rainbows!
Kansas, I had two rude interactions with people. The toll lady, and the driver who flipped me off. The whole states perception is based on those two people. I did not like you and will forever have a bad memory of you. Good job two rude people.
Missouri! Wow! Pleasantly surprised! You were beautiful! What a Happy thing!
And, because in a trip of this magnitude  I only looked at the blue line from point  A to point B, and didn't zoom in on the stretch between Missouri and Kentucky.  That blue line took us through the southern end of Illinois, and Indiana. Both Fabulous. Extra little gems in the memory book.
Kentucky, unfortunately you came at the end of the day. Day three actually, and we were tired. Beatiful. Yes, not quite the horse country I was dreaming of, but I did see a retirement center for old horses, so that was the highlight.
West Virginia. so bizarre. Beautiful, yes. Own accent, yes. Very nice people. yes. But I was surprised by the feeling of St Anthony. Ha Ha, maybe a little more at home. :) Olive Garden never felt so comfortable.
And, now, here we are. Virginia is for Lovers. Never trust the GPS on estimation of minutes. That final 23 minutes to Cody seemed to grow every minute. Traffic.
What an adventure! Kids did amazing, did a lot of time on electronics, watched a few Friends seasons, and  they definitely did a lot of sleeping.