My Gratitude Journal, and then there's this.

October

I try and write down 3 thankfuls everyday. But sometimes my brain just wanders to all things, like;
-putting off doing halloween decorations. will anybody notice. cross fingers
-my head hurts. my head always hurts
-i'm tired. i'm always tired.
-i'm not sure I can get myself outside, so I can wonder around and try and be productive.
-motions.
-I hate my hair.
-I'm chubby
-so freaking cold

Truths

-I am comfort eating ice cream tonight. I really don't do that much anymore, so I'm not ashamed, and I will tell you straight out. It's purely for comfort.

-My house is beautiful with all of its Christmas decorations up. It's warm. It smells delicious.

-We decorated the the second week in November for Christmas because Skye and Carson were excited to "have our house cute." So they totally helped rearrange upstairs, gave me advice on how to update it, and then CLEANED!!!

-Decorated couch pillows are so Fun!

people

-weird. I actually don't hate you. I never liked you enough to have the strong enough desire to hate you. I just really don't like you.

-I am only your friend when you needs something.

-Way too much comfort in curling up on my 2 person couch to sleep.

-Dark lip-stick

-The women of the church. So very forgotten.

-You are too self centered for you to treat me as an actual friend.

-Yes, women need women, but I have no women who need me.

white

I love white. But, I don't buy white on purpose. However, my two teenagers love white, and buy white. Then have me clean it. And, when one got it dirty, she said to me, "I'll have my her clean it (boyfriends mom)." good. have her clean all of your whites.

Sparkles on my Skin

-I love sparkles on my skin. How old do you think I have to be to be considered senile enough to bath in glitter, and have it be ok?

-Canyon- "Let's Go, Psycho!"

-Creeden- Player, or "Play-her" (forehead smack)

-Waves. Love my wave earrings. Love my wave ring. Love my wave necklace.

-Canyon said at Rigby Lake. "This sure isn't very big waves!" Funny, and sad.

-Paralyzed by schedule. It's a very real trauma.
My summer. My messy house. My weedy yard.
It's due  to the paralyzation of planning for the next thing. New York, Virginia, Elite Camp, Swim Lessons, Camping, Reunion, Trek.

Inspiration. ? Choice.

What chemical is lacking when my vision sees only, dead leaves, yellow grass, weeds.
Missing the forest for the trees.

Indifferent. Need. Want. Desire.

I think these are the levels of care in a relationship. And, when I think about these, I think in only the level of what the other holds me. I started this thought process in regards to intimacy. (Which, yes, is not in the first two) But, really, isn't this truth for all relationships. The problem for me in the world is I am a person who wants level 3, or 4. I want to be Wanted. I want to be Desired.  Do you know that I dream, yes my dreams are that someone Wants me. They are infatuated with me. They think that I am amazing. (It's always an unknown face) They adore me. I am not sure I have ever been adored. I do really like that word though.

What honey?

-How many times a day can I say, "what Honey?" I think that is the quest, for my kids, my family to see if they can get me to a million.

-If you have kids when you are young, then you are taking care of them in your prime years, active years. So you don't surf. By the time you are not pulling them on the boogie board, or digging sand castles, or making sure they don't drowned, you are old. Your body hurts. Your joints, your back, your  head, your desire. So you don't surf.

-Crabs. Delightfully weird little creatures.

-Sunrises. Sunsets.

-Dolphins may be the most peaceful of all creatures, mostly due to the surroundings of when I see them.

-Ask my how I am.
Care how I am.

-Grounding. Balancing. Absorbing. Calm. Still. Here. = My current prayer.

New York

The smells. The traffic. The cost. The chaos. The mashing it in, and up.
Of my multiple personalities, New York brought out my introvert more than any thing has in several years. All I wanted to do was stay in my bed, pull the covers over my head, hide until check out.
Wait, or was that the redeye...

No Clothes

I should live in a place where the warmth, and the sun, and the sand provide an environment that the less the clothes one wears,  the better.
This also means that the responsibilities are minimal, and that the appointments, time clock, and expectations are gone.
Beautiful, fantastic.
Some day.

Collection of my madness

-Bedtime for you, is for me. It is so I can have a break from you. So, if you want me to tell you why you have to go to bed, it's because I have hit my limit of being nice today. I am done being interested, and focused. I have no more patience or tolerance left in any amount, and my compassion is sucked dry.
-Cutting my boys hair is definitely a labor of love.
-If I use multiple commas, does it mean I'm pausing extra long,,,
-May outside activities should be put on hold until June at least, but even better, July.
-I am still wearing 2 shirts, pants and tights, 2 sweatshirts, 2 coats, 2 pairs of socks, snow boots, and a hat with as many blankets as I have, that I haven't given away, to baseball and softball games.
-Sometimes Greys is the only motivation I have.
-Yep, I parked my car at my office and curled up for a 20 minute nap because my wednesday babysitter was at my house and I couldn't go home yet.
-I really will enjoy being old and taking multiple naps a day. Can that happen when I turn 43? oh, wait, I'm already there. Guess i better get on it.

one year.

I got the ring that I ordered for Rainy today. I wanted her birthstone in my mothers ring, but they couldn't add it. So I ordered one.  It's a little big, and I need to get it sized, but today is the one year. I didn't plan for it to come today, but, it did. My poor heart.

The days in the birth control packet.

You know that packet that that has a pill for every day marked out?
 I need to use that to mark down my moods. Or, my emotions. Or, my stresses.
I am curious as to how all of those would coincide with that particular pill month after month. Is it every 2nd tuesday that I hate everyone. Or, is it every 4th wednesday that I want to quit, and cry, and want to be held. I am curious.
It's the 4th wednesday, just in case you are wondering.

Where are all the Women

There are only 2 genders. Male and Female.
It seems a pretty 50/50 sort of thing.
50% of the world is men, 50% of the world is women.
Maybe a few variations in time, caused by death, disease, or war.
So unless I fail to understand the extremities, there was never a wipe out of the women in the world.
But, where are they?
Where are they?
They are not in the scriptures.
They are not in the leadership, histories, or stories.
Only maybe 10%.
But that's not true.
They are there.
They are holding families together. Cooking every meal, taking care of every child, providing a landing for every man in those histories, or stories.
They are the strong ones. They are the overlooked, unheard heroes.
Then and now.
I'm so ticked.
Women take it all on, take care of everything, and yet there is no award for holding the world together.

I'm a Runner.

I may not run everyday. I actually haven't ran in weeks. Months. Probably almost a year. But I'm a runner. Want to know how I know? It was sunshiny out Saturday afternoon. I went out for a walk. But guess what? I couldn't just walk. I had to run. I had to RUN! Well, maybe jog. But, it felt awesome :)

The best of the previous.

My brother once suggested, "what if our current life is built on our past life."

I've taken that thought, and here's what I've created.

You are born, you live, you make  choices; good and bad, and then you die. 

Then, you are born again, and for all the good choices, all the good that you did, you get to keep in the born again life.  

You had fabulous grades because you worked hard? 

Next life, good grades come easy.

You make a good decision on your career?

You keep the career.

You hate your job, but give it all you have?

Next life, you get a different option.

Fabulous spouse?

Next life, same spouse.

Not perfect spouse?

Get to choose again.

House, City, Family?

Keep the good, try again on that which was not the ideal. 

Interesting thought process huh? 

I like it. I like the idea of lots of possibilities in lots of lives! 

(this is where I would usually insert a laughing emoji)

Pictures. Fact or Fiction.

I see them. But, I am having a really hard time believing that they really happened.
43 years of moments captured on glossy 4x6.
How do I not remember the before or after of that precise pose?
How did I get from there to here?

Fingernail paint.

I'm painting my fingernails now.
It makes me happy.
It's all in the color.
Who knew?!  Yay!

Intimate Music

I find that when I know what someone likes to listen to in the privacy of their own car, office, earbud, kitchen, I feel like I get very personal peek into their soul. I love new music options, I love to hear new varieties, but almost feel like I'm a personal stalker if I listen to what they listen to in the privacy of their own time. I suppose it's because music is a very intimate thing for me. I listen to it because it speaks to my heart, my soul. If it and I connect, it is on a very intimate level. Therefore, if I connect to that which someone else has connected to already, are we then connected?

The Call

People post things about "I will be there for you if you need me."
I don't believe them.
If they were going to be there for me when I need them, where are they? I need them all the time.
I am not in a good spot.
It's mental.
It's not situational.
Things are good in my 4 walls. My babies are ok, and my marriage is fine. Fine.
But, my mental is sad. My mental is lonely. My mental is at war constantly fighting the 'what ifs' and paranoias of irrationality.
If I called you, you could not help me. I actually have no idea what could help me.
I hate January.

New Ah Hahs!

-The dark makes me fat. Yes, I blame it. I sort of wake up in the morning, think, "I should go work out." But the dark FORBIDS it. Seriously. It is a live voice in my head that says, "NO, it is DARK, DO NOT GET UP!"

-Cooking with half-n-half is super yummy. And coco with it, mmmm. (But yes, still blaming the dark.)

-I sort of love my Mac laptop. It is my friend. Sort of really serious.

-I do better in my life and brain when I work. But, not super loving my job. Or jobs. In fact, don't love them, at all.

-Yes, I am back to Grey's. It makes me feel less lonely. Again, imaginary friends. Imaginary consistent friends who distract me from getting lost in the anxiety of my brain.

-You know that minute when you cry and some words fall out of your mouth that may have more meaning than you even knew, or planned. I heard these come out this week. 'I would love any amount of any attention.'

-Although, I did have 2 separate events that I was cared for. I took a bath, and had Cody wash my surgically altered shoulder. It was nice. Then, I paid him $3 to use oil and rub my shoulders.

-It's been awhile since I've been here.  I can't believe how fast days add up.

-Mothers don't need physical therapy. They have kitchen counters.